Life As An Expat: The Return Trip

The idea of home is a funny thing.

We all think we know what 'home' is – a place in our hearts, minds, and memories where we feel comfortable, warm, and closest to the truest, most original version of ourselves.

But as the people and places that formed our individual manifestation of home grow and change, that idea of home and what it means is bound to change along with it. It can become something, or somewhere, else, or turn into an abstract idea that presents itself in multiple people and places rather than one singular address. It can become something too big for a single house, city, town, or even country.

Being back in the U.K. for the holidays brought this all forward.

It was the first time we'd returned after moving to the States last summer and I was taken at how natural I felt in London, a city I lived in for a solid three years, and spent half my time in for the last six years. Despite spending so much of my time there, our long, expensive, and generally awful green card process had left me feeling frustrated, ready to move back home, and almost (almost) wishing I'd never moved abroad in the first place. It's funny how we can take our inner angers, frustrations, and insecurities and pin them on the people and places that surround us. During our never-ending, "should be moving soon!" phase, I felt trapped outside of my home country, and stuck in the grey chill of London. 

But one quick and very mundane stop in the grocery store on the way back from the airport and my feelings changed. Upon landing, I felt the damp air that always left me feeling chilly, and saw the countless neat and tidy homes and gardens. The familiar grey, my favorite instant coffee, brands, labels, and ordinary, everyday items that were comfortable and close. They all felt familiar, and kind of like home.

necklace by favor jewelry; available at fine life co

All this is to say that over the last year, the idea of home has become malleable to me. I've learned that for some of us, where we come from is a part of who we are, of course, but it may not be all that we are. 

Just like friends can become family, new lands, countries, places, languages, and local haunts can become versions of home. An extended home, if you will, just like an extended family. And just like people surprise us, places can have the same effect – they can show up at your doorstep and feel so familiar, close, and gentle that you wonder why you were even angry with them to start with.

And for me, now, that's what home is now – it's represented by people in one regard, and by a collection of cities in another. It's not clean, perfect, or easy to sum up over cocktail chatter but then again, what that's true and honest and important really is?

That home, that heart, that untouchable and indescribable feeling of familiarity and comfort. It's where the heart is, as it goes, and in this case, my heart is split over a few places.

That's just the way I like it.


Finding Your Family-Friends

There’s a part in the new Mindy Kaling book where she writes about the changes that happen in friendships. 

Specifically, she writes about the period in her late twenties when all of her friends began to move apart, and the difficulty that comes not right away when friends start to move apart, but later when you realize how permanent the moves were, and how much they change the course of the relationships.

This big moving period happened around the same time for me and my friends. In my mid-late twenties, I decided to move away as several of my friends had before me. We'd all left home and gone to college, then left college and gone to New York, or maybe moved around New York and in some cases, left the city and returned. No big deal, right? 

But in the book, Mindy writes about the experience she had later upon realizing what these moves really meant:

"...I realized [that] this long expanse of free time to rekindle friendships is not real. We will never come home to each other again and we will never again have each other's undivided attention. That version of our friendship is over forever."

Stings, doesn't it?

Like many other ladies of a certain age, I completely relate to this and the pain I felt after moving from my girlfriends in New York. See, I had a strong, serious girl squad going in Brooklyn. We were roommates and neighbors and friends, and it was great. Me and D were doing the long distance thing at the time, and since he was in London I somehow had the best (and worst) of both worlds: endless time with my girlfriends, with the comfort of knowing my serious, steady boyfriend was a sleepy Skype call or an exotic plane ride away. Pretty great, right?

But of course it wasn't.

It got to a point where long distance wasn't a realistic option for us and besides, managing it all was difficult. And so I moved to London, thinking that what happened to me when I moved to New York was the same thing that would happen each time I moved for the rest of my life. I'd show up and within months join a group of friends that would truly and deeply 'get' me. Family-friends, as I like to call them.

Of course that's not true either. Each move, and the community you encounter on the other end of that move, will be different.

I've written a lot about my time in London, that's for sure, but one of the biggest shocks I had when I left my New York life was suddenly finding myself without a strong group of those family-friend girlfriends. I built amazing one-on-one friendships in London, and I now miss those women dearly every single day. But in those early London days, when I'd just moved from my family-friends in New York, it felt like overnight I had abandoned one part of my life and woken up, jet lagged and wearing yesterday's clothes, in another.

A couple of months after my move, I was visited by a best friend who was living somewhere between New York and L.A. Because I was still such a newbie to the world of post-female live-in friendships, I was overjoyed at her visit because it made me realize how much I missed her and my other family-friends.

Though I was thrilled with my new life in London, though I loved the decision I had made, though I (and I hope this goes without saying) was beyond happy to have left behind the late night sleepy Skype calls that long distance relationships are made of and instead have the person I loved right next to me, it was still hard to not have my family-friends there with me. Ultimately, the realization that my New York life and my new life in London couldn't and wouldn't exist together because of countries and visas and jobs and all the rest was the hardest thing to accept.

It was all too raw. For a few years I couldn't watch Girls because it reminded me too much of my former Greenpoint life. And when I returned to New York last month for the first time since I left, that feeling of rawness came over me again and for a few days, it felt like the wound had reopened.

Now that I'm in a new city and building female friendships one by one (thank you, Instagram, for introducing me to kindred spirits I never would've met otherwise) I've come to terms with the fact that this will probably be my world of friends going forward. We all have our groups of friends that exist in our hometowns or former home cities, and now we all take on new friends one by one. But rebuilding that old group of family-friends? It won't happen again. That period in your life where your friends were your everyday family? It looks different now than it did before.

These days, I focus on finding ways to stay in touch with my family-friends, mainly by incorporating them in every aspect of my day – through texts and talks of plans for visits. Now, it's a case of quality over quantity. We don't sit around quite as much in our pajamas on Tuesday nights, so instead we talk more and plot and plan for future celebrations.

It is hard, though. Staying in touch with friends lies somewhere between the world of the constant marathon phone calls of a long distance relationship and the scheduled Sunday Skypes used with far away family. More often than not, in that between world, the plans have a tendency to fall apart.

And so you work harder at it because family-friends are worth it. They're rare, hard to find, and must be clung to regardless of distance and time and change in circumstance.

And you know what? We may never come home to each other again, as Mindy said, but seeing each other on weekend visits brings me back to myself in a way that only family-friends can, and that's more than I could ask for. 

I think Mindy would agree.


Life As An Expat: Working Through A Move

Life in the self employed or freelance lane can sure be difficult.

Aside from the stress that comes with running your own business (whether it's a personal business or managing work as a freelancer) there's the occasional whole outsider notion that you don't really "do" anything. As someone who has worked from home or on a flexible schedule for the last two years, I relate to this idea hugely. I work just as hard, if not sometimes harder, even if I am occassionally in my pajamas. Not only do I work with clients on writing, copywriting, and marketing work, but I also have a myriad of side projects. 

This blog is one of them. Another I'll be eager to share with you soon. Not to mention anything else that comes up that I can squeeze in on evenings and weekends. The truth is, I probably work more hours than I did at most of my full-time jobs, and sometimes with more stress.

But we already know the "woe is me" self-employment tale. Going it on your own is tough, that's no surprise.

But what about managing financials? That's challenging when you're self employed or employed by many as a contractor, but go through a big life change and it can get even more difficult.

My friend Jess brought this up on Instagram last week, and I was glad to read her post which spoke about financial worries. First of all, hurray for transparent conversations about money! It's not easy navigating the world as a contractor or a freelancer, and much less when actual life gets involved. 

See, Jess has had a difficult pregnancy that forced her to stop working with her freelance design clients earlier than expected. A problem, since she obviously won't have any sort of maternity leave once she has her baby. (This always shocked my friends in the U.K. – the fact that the U.S. lacks mandated maternity leave for women who are employed full time. Own a business? Work as a freelancer? Fuhgettaboutit. There's no safety net except for the one you've built for yourself.)

Jess's transparency inspired me to be honest about some of the stresses we've had surrounding our move, specifically surrounding work and finance. Here's a rundown:

As you likely know, my husband and I just moved from London to North Carolina after a long immigration process. (He's South African, so it's his first time living in the U.S. Cue paperwork.) During this process, he worked his full-time job in London while I worked freelance full time. I can (luckily!) do my job from anywhere, and so I've been able to continue my work with DesignGoodClementine Daily, and others in the process. This is something I'm endlessly thankful for, and it proved to be hugely helpful as we lived in limbo for over a year during the immigration process.

But the downside of flexible, remote work means that there's never any official time away from it. You can work anywhere, so why wouldn't you? What this means is that I've put in a full day's work almost every single day during our move. One day I was working per usual at our second floor flat, then I was working from a couch at an AirBnB, then a North London coffee shop, then my dad's dining room table, and now my mom's kitchen – boxes and suitcases surrounding me in each location.

This is my decision of course, as I could've taken more time off or even a small period of leave to focus on getting everything done that we needed to do. Aside from the fact that I love my work and didn't want to abandon it for a few weeks, we also – quite frankly – needed the money.

Living in London was expensive.

Living in an AirBnB for two weeks was expensive.

Our plane tickets were expensive.

The immigration process was expensive.

Our car insurance after living abroad is going to be expensive.

And now buying all of the things we need to get settled is expensive.

I want to keep working, and D is starting work as soon as possible. We want to maintain and contribute to our savings during this process, even if it means jumping in quickly and potentially losing some sanity in the meantime.

This is just a season in the life of a pricey, expat relationship. It's ours, and there are so many others out there like it. Because we met while living in two different countries and began an international long distance relationship, we've been paying for plane tickets and visa fees from the get-go.

Sometimes I find myself jealous of other expats who are moving for a job or a spouse's job, and therefore most likely have financial assistance from an employer. I know that comes with its downsides and that the grass is always greener, so I'm in no way implying that that is somehow an easier life. I'm just saying that the DIY version of working and moving abroad is expensive as heck.

So, how have we done this? Me, a freelance writer and digital marketing type, and my husband, the IT guy? We've been lucky enough to receive support from family, and otherwise are smart and tight with our money. That's meant slow shopping, cutting corners, and scrimping and saving for several months now. It's worked fine.

I see this changing as we get settled and learn to live in a more affordable place – and that's something that me and the grey hairs on my head are really looking forward to. When it comes to work, I've put passion over profit in many places – including this blog, which I receive no compensation for. I'm open to sponsored content but above all I want this blog to remain as genuine as possible which means that I can't ever see this becoming a place that pays my bills.

I'd like to show off our new home and do a big home tour, design blogger style, but unfortunately that won't happen right now. We're staying with family and are saving everything that we can until we can get a place of our own. No modern sofas or tips on shopping for a new space for this gal just yet. That'll all come in the future, but for now we just don't have the money.

Jess's confession about financial worry was refreshing, and hopefully this post about working through a move will feel the same. It's not easy, and it isn't for any of us regardless of where you live or how you're employed.

If you're a business owner, freelancer, or even work full time, I want to know about your experiences with working through a big life change and managing the financials of it all. How have you done it? Do you have as many grey hairs as I do?  Let me know either here on Instagram. I'd love to hear!


Life As An Expat: Things That Surprised Me About Living Abroad

It's been about ten days since we got back to the States. Do the math on that and you'll see that we arrived on the Fourth of July. An epic start to a new life if there ever was one, wouldn't you say?

We were in Atlanta for a few days seeing family, then made our way to North Carolina. We're now staying at my dear momma's house for a few months until we're ready (aka financially able) to buy a home. Big, awesome, really fun stuff is in the works, that's for sure. 

Not that enough time has passed since I returned to the States after living abroad to learn all I have to learn about the experience, but I've begun the process of reflecting on my life in London from the other side. Ten days in and looking back, there are several things that came as a total surprise to me about living abroad. Here are a few of them:

It Was An Instant Shot Of Perspective

Living in London for three years gave me an incredible, unexpected amount of perspective. That's something I gained a little bit when I moved from Atlanta to New York and spent many a late Sunday afternoon holding back tears at city-bound airport gates. I was in my early twenties and doing my regular return to the city and its nausea-inducing cab rides to the West Villlage or Brooklyn. The other end promised a dinner of cereal, peanut butter, and/or tortilla chips and a quick scan of The New York Times before heading to bed and getting up the next day for another big week of big city work. Do that for a few years, as many of us have, and you'll learn a thing or two about missing the ease of a life you know.

But living outside of your country for an extended period of time will show you things about yourself (and your country) that you never knew and never would've guessed you'd find out. It's almost like the three years I spent in London sped up any sort of quarter-life crisis I would've had at home. Living far away was a crash course in figuring out who I was, and I know it would've taken years for me to get to where I am now if I hadn't left home.

Yeah, perspective has been a bonus.

 

Feeling Like A Kid Again

And not in a good way. For all the perspective gained and personal growth that's done, one thing that always frustrated me in a maddening, eyes-spiked-with-tears kinda' way was the loss of the really everday knowledge that make you feel like an adult. I've mentioned before the frustration that comes with moving to a new country and not knowing any of the brands in a grocery store, not to mention which grocery store you should even go to.

It can be equally frustrating to live in a state of transition where simple questions like "What's your phone number?" leave you without much to say. More often than not, I find myself going into explanations about having just moved, changing numbers and addresses, etc. probably as some defense mechanism to prove to a total stranger that I'm usually more independent and better off than I am right now.

 

The Legitimate, High-Quality Friendships

Who would've thought that moving abroad would grant me access to such incredible friendships? Before I left, I didn't know about the "expat community" or really care to get involved but man, am I glad I did. These are your friends and allies, and the only people who will really understand what you're going through and will be eager to talk to you ad nauseam about visas. Since leaving home, I've made friends all over the world who I came to know in an instant, very real way purely because of our shared experience. Feeling vulnerable far away from home has a way of turning strangers into friends. It's pretty incredible.

 

Homesickness, And What It Becomes

This was something I struggled with more than I would've ever guessed. Living in London, I was homesick for my family, friends, climate, and scenery – not to mention any and everything American. Even the smallest things, like seeing an American brand or overhearing another North American accent on the street would make me feel so much better. As bad as it was, eventually it was something that I (and I'm assuming most folks who leave home) got used to. Even unusual situations start to feel normal after a while, and my experience with homesickness was no different. You get used to living your life away, and that's all there is to it.

But then – what's funny – is that when you do come back, no matter how much has changed at home, it'll feel like you never left at all. Life can change a lot in a few years, that's for sure, but it's also amazing how much stays the same. It's almost like you never even left.

 

Patriotism

It's a weird feeling to be elsewhere in the world and feel like, somehow, an entire country of people that you know back home may know you better than the community around you. It's a false feeling, of course, but it's one that I think most anyone who has left their home country even for a short while would recognize. This feeling gave me a strong, sturdy allegiance to my country. Of course it was always there, but I think patriotism and a love for where one comes from has a way of showing up the further you're away from it. You don't know what you got 'till it's gone, you know?

Anyway, I never would've thought I'd so thoroughly enjoy hearing The Star-Spangled Banner at a baseball game, but here I am.

There will be plenty more to say as time goes by, of course. Overall though, things are feeling pretty good. Comfortable, slower, friendlier. Just right, you know? I'll keep you guys posted – after all, it's just been over a week.

Oh – and if you've ever lived abroad or even thought about living abroad, I'd love to hear about your thoughts. This is an experience that's different for everyone so I'm eager to hear what others have to say on the topic. Let me know!



We Moved!

Fifteen months after we began our process of moving from London to the States, it finally all came together and we moved. We moved, y'all. On Saturday, just in time for the 4th of July. 

We got to Atlanta, saw the fireworks, and ate all of the barbeque and baked beans and brownies our tummies could take. It's been absolute paradise!

We're staying in Atlanta to see family for a few days before heading up to North Carolina later this week, so needless to say it's going to be a tad on the busy side trying to get things settled after three years living outside of the country.

I'll be back either later this week or early next, and in the meantime you can follow along on Instagram as we (re)acquaint ourselves with American snacks and warm weather.

Hope you had a great weekend and have an even better week! See ya on social media.

sff.jpg

Life As An Expat: On The Move

Twice in six days.

That's how many times we've moved over this last week.

See, since our move abroad has ended up taking longer than we expected, we got a llittle optimistic and gave notice on our second floor flat too soon. We were able to stay a bit longer, then a bit longer, then further still, and finally, on the eve of the arrival of new tenants, we had to leave.

Moving, right? It's always a sweaty, stressful mess no matter how much preparation you put in. And also, don't listen to anyone who says that things get boring after you get married. Three and a half years in and I'm here to tell you that our lives have been anything but boring lately. Moving around a city and then across an ocean will do that for you.

But thank god for AirBnB and our "sharing" culture. I could write a whole piece about the kindness of strangers that's revealed in the culture of Uber and AirBnB and the like. It really is incredible. Two honest, regular folks living in North London suddenly found themselves with piles of luggage, shopping bags full of organic groceries too yummy and pricey to throw out (of course), but with nowhere to go. There was and is beauty in being able to stay at the flat of a complete stranger down the street who will not only be kind and interested in your story, but will also allow you to stay at their home for a mere fraction of what you would pay in a hotel.

There are horrible, frightening stories associated with doing business with a complete stranger in this "sharing" world of ours, but I've had nothing but good experiences along the way. It's been a lifesaver during our period of transition.

I've just about made real friends wtih kind, generous Uber drivers in Salt Lake City and Durham, and loved our experiences using AirBnB, always – it's the only thing we use when we travel.

But anyway. Our madness has died down slightly for now, and while I'll post some updates on Instagram related to our move, I'll tell you right now that I probably won't announce that we're leaving London until we're basically on the plane.

At this point, I'm too afraid of jinxing anything to say anything sooner. So...stay tuned! Update coming soon.



California Tailor's Tomboy Tees

What a difference a season makes.

Spring is here in London, and while spring (and even summer) weather in the UK doesn't always call for sandals and sundresses, what it does call for is bare limbs,16-hour days, and semi-regular sunshine. 

These days that's enough for me, though it's certainly different from what I'm used to.

I grew up in the Southern US. Atlanta, if we're getting specific. 

In the seven years that have passed since I left Atlanta, I've learned just how good I had it at home – weather-wise, and of course otherwise as well.

The thing is, in the South you're guaranteed four solid seasons of weather each year. Bright, sweltering summers, colorful springs and autumns, and cold-enough winters. You can step outside and know for sure what time of year it is based on the weather, because the seasons match the calendar in a way that I've come to learn is unique. The only thing the South is guilty of is a few unseasonably warm and sunny days in the winter every now and again. But I'm not complaining about that.

Thanks to the seven years I've spent living in the chillier, less predictable climates of New York and especially London, I've come to value and appreciate the changing of the seasons and specifically the feeling of warm sunshine on my arms and legs in a way that I could never have imagined before.

I know that Gill from California Tailor can relate. You may recall from my interview with Gill earlier this year she's a fellow expat – a Londoner in the US, calling Los Angeles her for-now home. And though a sunny day in London is stunningly beautiful, with its bright green grass and the crazy-clear sun, I can imagine that Gill has grown to love the feeling of Southern California sunshine. Not to mention what the weather allows you to wear, all year round.

To celebrate the sushine and the arrival of a the almost-summer season in London and elsewhere, California Tailor has just released a line of everyday tees. Featuring floral prints from Liberty of London, the Tomboy Tees are the perfect mix of the LA x London lifestyle. It's a classic tee made easy thanks to the cozy fit and, by the way, did I mention that London's famous Liberty was involved? (Don't even act like you haven't 'grammed the front of Liberty at some point. I know you have.)

Because this is a line after my local-loving heart, all of the tees were produced in downtown LA, and the fabric itself was knit just 20 minutes from the very studio where the tees were designed. Cool, right?

Celebrate the summer by grabbing your own Tomboy Tee here(I'm wearing the Classic Tee in Classic Navy with the Summer Neckerchief in Liberty's Jody Floral print, in case you want to be twinsies.) 

Happy shopping!

 

I received product from California Tailor though this is a business I truly believe in. Plus, at this point Gill from California Tailor and I are legit friends, k? Thank you for supporting the businesses that support Second Floor Flat. Have questions? Let me know!